Title: Grenade Jumper
Author: Jillian aka jillb_13spfan
Pairing: Derek Bloom/ Travis Ritcher (fftl)
Rating: pg-13 (ish)
Summary:
“You know how what we’ve been doing is experimenting? When is it not going to be an experiment anymore?”
Disclaimer: Don’t own as usual. Fall Out Boy own the title.
Author’s Note: This is for Kendra aka froggie1687 as a very very very late birthday present. I hope you like it! The title has nothing to do with the actual story... it's just the song I was listening to when I was looking for a title. Read and review. Writing journal is our_dying_day99



When you tell your parents you aren’t gay you aren’t really lying to them as much as you are lying to yourself.

When you are kissing your best friend Derek, hands roaming, mouths panting, teeth nipping, lips moving, you assure him, you’re just experimenting…just trying new things. You pull away more than once to tell him this. Repeating the same thing just to make sure, for your sake more than his. Every time you pull away he yanks you back against his lips and mumbles a quiet, “shut up”, against them and you keep kissing. It’s like that every time.

But it’s one time that Derek decides to disturb you safe, non-gay, cushiony bubble. You’re lying on your bed, like normal. His hands are playing lazily in your hair, your eyes are closed as you rub your lips across his neck softly, not quite kissing but enjoying the closeness.

“Travis?” Derek breaks the silence.

A hum is your response, not wanting to use words right then.

“You know how what we’ve been doing is experimenting? When is it not going to be an experiment anymore?” He’s whispering it. Like he’s afraid to ask. Maybe afraid of your answer.

You feel a bit of panic start to rise in you throat. He had to go and take away your moment. The safe, comfortable bliss you lied yourself into.

“I…” You can’t think of anything to say. You just pull away from him and sit up on your bed, putting your head in your hands. You never thought you would have to actually confront this. You thought you had an agreement. It was just experimenting…just…trying.

“You said we were just finding ourselves…well, I’ve found myself. Have you?” He says this all in one big rush of breath. Still looking scared but staring you right in the eyes.

”What do you mean you’ve found yourself?” Words have found there way to your throat finally but that wasn’t exactly what you wanted to say.

“I think… No actually, I’m pretty sure I know.”

“Know what?”

“That I like being with you. That I like doing things with you, I like kissing you. It’s not experimenting when I know what I’m doing. And I like it.” He’s nervous. You can tell because his hands have started to shake a little and his voice starts to squeak after every breath he takes. If he doesn’t calm down now he might have an asthma attack.

“I’m not gay Derek and neither are you.” You’re shaking your head no. He has to realize that he’s just confused. He doesn’t really like boys. He doesn’t really like you.

“Yes I am Travis. At least I think I am. If enjoying kissing you means I’m gay. Then I’ll take gay as my title.”

“Shut up. You don’t know what you are talking about. You just have to kiss someone else is all. You’re just confused. This was all a big mistake. We should have never started this. You don’t like boys. And neither do I!” Your face has started to go all red, like it does when you’re upset.

“But I did kiss someone else. I kissed a girl. Just to make sure. I was so scared of liking you. Of liking what we did. So I tried to see if it was the kissing that I liked or if it was the person that I was kissing. “ Derek has started to look more calm now but his voice is started to rise, that familiar squeak still evident.

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!” You screamed the last one. Not really because you wanted him to stop talking but because you were telling your heart to stop doing that weird thump when he mentioned that he had kissed someone else. It hurt your feelings. And you hated that.

“I’m not shutting up Travis! I have to get this off my chest. I’ve been holding it in for months now. I was scared to say anything about it because I knew that the outcome was going to be just like this. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. It’s so much different when I’m with you. I feel something when we touch. It’s not just skin on skin. It’s a spark or something. I don’t know how to explain it. But I like it… I like you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. You aren’t gay. You don’t like boys. You don’t like me. I’m not gay. I don’t like boys and I don’t like you. End of story. So lets just turn on the T.V. and watch something and forget this ever happened.”

“You are so stupid, Travis. I don’t want to forget this ever happened. And the only reason you do is because you are scared of being who you really are. If you didn’t like what we were doing even just a little bit then you wouldn’t have been doing it for so long. We wouldn’t have been experimenting for so long. And we wouldn’t have been doing it in the first place if you didn’t question yourself just a little bit. Just… stop lying to yourself. Even if you didn’t want to be with me, or do anything that we’ve been doing ever again. At least admit to yourself that you liked it too.”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.” Your voice has started to crack from that choking feeling in your throat you get when you feel like you want to cry. Right when you get those words out, Derek grabs your arm and yanks you on top of him, crashing your lips together.

The kiss is hard and passionate, his hand holding tight onto the back of your neck, the other around your waist, making sure you won’t pull away. And you won’t. You wouldn’t pull away even if he let you go completely. When it finally does end, your lungs are burning from lack of oxygen, breathing not seeming as important as tasting Derek right then. His lips are red and slightly swollen, you’re sure yours mirror his just the same.

“Tell me you didn’t feel something in that, Travis. If you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you felt nothing at all, I’ll just forget this all.”

Your vision is blurry with tears now, mostly because the thought of lying to Derek makes your heart ache.

“I can’t.” You’re just going to tell the truth now. The only thing you can come up with.

“You can’t what?

“I just can’t. I don’t like boys. I can’t like boys.” The look of hurt was evident on Derek’s face. The sadness in his eyes, you could swear you could hear his heart breaking. Or maybe it’s just yours.

“I don’t believe you. I can see it on your face. You want this just as much as I do. Do you know how long it took me to get the nerve to bring this up? Do you know how long I was coaching myself and rehearsing the words I wanted to say? Months Travis. Months!” It’s Derek’s turn to get all choked up now. Except he doesn’t try to hide it. He’s hurt and it’s making you feel more and more horrible every second you have to watch.

“Please don’t do this to me right now, Derek. Please.”

“I was so scared. You have no idea. I started feeling like I didn’t like you as a friend anymore. The first few weeks I just really thought we were experimenting. You were the first person I ever kissed. I just thought that’s what you did when you were an inexperienced kid. You tried things out on your friends. But it’s not experimenting when it goes on for almost a year.”

“Just stop. Please. I’m begging you. I don’t want to hear this right now. You don’t know what you are talking about. This is a mistake.”

“It’s not a mistake. I can tell you the exact moment I realized we weren’t just trying things amore. The exact moment I realized I had fallen so hard for you and was probably never going to recover from it. It was 9:52 at night, Christmas Eve, last year. I remember the exact time of day because you were at my house and about to go home. Your mom called you and said you had to go home. We hadn’t kissed the entire day, actually we hadn’t kissed like normal in a while before that. And by normal I mean stupid, sloppy, emotionless making out. We would just hang out. But more closely. Like we’d lie together or cuddle or sleep in the same bed,”

You couldn’t stop him from this tangent because you knew it was all true. You hated feeling the way you did about Derek but you couldn’t help it. He didn’t understand.

“Anyway, you got up, and you were going to leave and you took a CD out of your hoodie pocket and gave it to me. You didn’t tell me you were going to get me anything. It was the CD I was freaking out about the day before, but I never told you to buy it for me. I was just going to get it later. But you got it for me. And you were even secretive about it. I was going to jump up and hug you but before I could, you kissed me. Just simply and sweetly and slowly. It didn’t go into anything crazy. And I know you remember this because I couldn’t have been the only one to feel that kiss. It felt better then anything we had ever done. It felt like a million butterflies were raving in my stomach. I don’t know what made that kiss different than any other of the countless times but it just felt more… like you cared or something,” He’s full on crying now. Sobs and all. Tears and snot leaking down his face, he’s unmasked and vulnerable. Shameless.

Seeing him like that breaks your heart. Breaks it into a thousands little pieces. You want to just grab him and hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok and to stop crying because you are there for him.

“Ever since then it’s been this huge emotional roller coaster for me. And I don’t know, I had some small inclination of hope that maybe you’d feel the same way about me. That I’d tell you all this then, poof, everything would be perfect and we’d ride off into the sunset together. But I know that’s not realistic.” Derek wipes the snot away from his face with his hoodie sleeve. You reach over to help him out but he moves away from you when you try to touch him, a look of hurt so evident in his eyes it makes your stomach turn.

“I do care about you, Derek. Maybe more then you know. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m protecting you. You’re my best friend. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” you finally found something that would actually leave your mouth. You just decided to tell the truth. Even if it is hurting the only person you truly care about.

“Yeah right,” Derek scoffs. “I’m not a child, Travis. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you to protect me.” He says that with such disgust it has you a little taken back.

“But…”

“Just save it, ok. I’m really done with this. I thought that maybe I could get you to open up to me. To be who you really are. I wanted to be able to hold you and kiss you in public. That was probably really selfish of me anyway.”

“But you can still have me when we’re alone. I don’t want anything to change between up Derek. You mean so much to me. Please.”

“That’s just it! I don’t want you just when we’re alone. I want you when we’re at school. When we’re just hanging out at your house, I want you all the time. There are times when we’re in class and you make the cutest thinking faces and I just want to kiss you or hug you or something. But I cant.”

“I…. I can’t do that. But I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to be, Derek. I don’t want it to be like this.”

“If you cared about me like you say you do, then you’d be willing to do this for me. I want you all or nothing Travis. All or nothing.”

“So you’re just willing to write me off like that?”

“I’m not writing you off. But if you decide that you are not going to take this chance with me. We can forget what the basis of our friendship has been for a long time now. If you still want to keep lying to yourself and just stay the way you are. We’re going to be just friends. Nothing else. No kissing. No cuddling. No nothing. Just friends.” the sternness in his voice is starting to scare you. Like he’s written you off already. Before he even heard your final answer. But he knows it anyway. You both know it.

“You know what I’m going to say. So why are we still talking about this?”

“Because! Because I know deep inside you that you want to be with me. I know these feelings aren’t one sided. I know this Travis. But I also know that you are so deep in denial and paralyzed by fear that I’m going to lose you.”

“You aren’t going to lose me. I want to be friends. I really do. I care so much about you. You have to believe me.”

Derek gets up and sits on the edge of your bed, the saddest, most beaten up look in his normal bright and shining eyes makes you want to throw up.

“I didn’t think it would hurt this badly to have the one person you seriously thought you could spend the rest of your life with, abandon you like that.”

“I didn’t abandon you. You can’t keep blaming me. What you’re asking isn’t easy!”

“I know it’s not easy. But look at me. I did it. I’m still alive. I’m not asking you to walk around school waving around a giant rainbow flag, I’m just asking you to not be ashamed of being who you are…or being with me.”

“I’m not ashamed of you. That’s the last thing I will ever be of you, Derek.”

“I’m just going to go home. It’s getting late anyway.” he gets up from your bed and sighs but before he can take a step you jump up and wrap your arms around him. To your surprise he doesn’t fight, just wraps his arms around you as well but weaker than his normal hugs.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” you say hopefully. You still want to see Derek. You still want to see him all the time. You don’t know what your life would be like without him.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

Next you do something that probably isn’t the best idea but you cant help yourself.

“Derek… can I… can I kiss you… just one more time before I’m not allowed to anymore?” there is hopefulness in your voice but sadness in his eyes.

“No, Travis. No you can’t.” he breaks away from your hold and walks the few steps to your bedroom door and walks out. Maybe leaving your life as you know it forever.


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So yeah. There you go. I hope whoever reads it likes it. Especially Kendra.

-jillian